24 Lessons

Logo for the ‘24’ series. /FILE

How do I feel nothing celebrating my 24 years alive on this planet?

This is no ordinary year. If anything, 2020 has a special place in the dustbin, unless you’re Elsa Majimbo.

The year began abnormally. We were visited by locusts, erratic weather and a mildly lethal virus that brought down economies worldwide in a fashion not seen since the Great Depression.

Tweet from Leon Lindigu. /TWITTER

Above all, what the virus did was cut off all human connection; no events, no gatherings, no celebrations, no hugs, no handshakes. Just masks, sanitizers, soap and inshallah.

My year has been the toughest; learning tough lessons and in learning hogwash that I was gagged with over the course of my teenage and childhood period. To celebrate one year before I hit the quarter century, I came up with 24 lessons.

You might notice a few sub pieces of advice slipped into those lessons because they are still important. And I make the rules.

Advice from Amerix. /TWITTER

My hope is that you take them with an open mind, because they’re not limited to me. They are for you who’s reading this at home or in the middle of traffic.

Here goes:

1. Blood is thicker than water is the worst phrase ever invented on this planet. What it does is give some members of your family reasonable cause to step on your toes all the time. You have a right to cut off all contact with them because change to such people is as foreign as teaching a penguin how to fly.
2. Sex before marriage is necessary! Whoever disagrees with it also wakes up and drives a car without checking if the engine oil works.
3. The past matters while eyeing a woman you want to date/settle down with. Dig into her past, her socials, her previous dating life, everything. The ladies who privatise their Instagram accounts and tell you their past doesn’t matter are hiding their true colours.
4. Apart from your mother, no one on Earth cares about you as a man. They care about what you bring to the table. In addition, women don’t love you, they love the nice things money can buy them. If you can’t buy those, the man who does will be king!
5. Be an iceberg; don’t open up to everyone you meet, most importantly your woman. Anything you say can and WILL be used against you in an argument.
6. Social media is full of keyboard warriors and feminists who cannot hurt a fly.
7. In life, there’s always and forever will be the ‘other side of a story’.
   • The people dragging a celebrity linked to sexual assault allegations on social media when he’s already made it don’t know him. They’re third parties attacking him because people are.
8. HR is not your friend nor your advisor. She/he is the professional snitch. HR is the one person that determines whether you stay in that company or not.
9. Normalize telling people the truth. You’re a grown man now, no one will beat you.
10. Support a man’s business or venture. It’s hard for men since they don’t have the ‘good looks’ or ‘soft thighs’ to attract customers/viewers.
11. Men use women sexually but women use men for their time, attention and resources. A woman has a time hoe, not a guys she sleeps with; this is a guy she spends her time with without giving him anything in return.
12. Your job as a journalist is to ask stupid questions. Forget what everyone tells you that ‘it’s ruining the company’, that’s how you get viral information no one else has noticed.
    • Anyone can be a journalist. Actually anyone can be anything. But your passion for the field is what takes you far. Some of your favourite news anchors didn’t go through four wasteful years of journalism school.
13. Nobody hates women. We just see through their flaws and call them out, but they’d rather victimize themselves than be accountable.
    • Women always tell the truth when they’re emotionally charged and it’s very easy to piss her off. If you want the truth, make her upset then put pressure on her, it’ll all come out. You have a right to know who she truly is.
14. Always keep receipts of the women you have had sex with; that will be crucial evidence for later when she drags you on socials to accuse you of sexual assault. In addition, treat her DMs as a crime scene; send and receive NO nudes!
15. A man goes through two heartbreaks. The first one is a warning, the second one should wake you up from your fairytale; that’s how you swallow the red pill.
16. If you have a disagreement with someone, DM them. If you have their number, text or call them. Dragging them into social media is telling people you haven’t matured.
17. Just because we’ve dated for seven years doesn’t mean I’ll marry you. I can meet a new woman today and marry her tomorrow. Just as they say buying a woman drinks doesn’t guarantee you’ll sleep with her, being your girlfriend will not lead to being your wife.
18. Fathers who send their sons to these “how to be men” camps are failures. Your son emulates you. Camps teach boys how to be loyal and submissive to women. Take him to the village to seduce the village girls or to a football camp.
19. Money just magnifies what you already are. If you’re stingy, you become a stingy billionaire. If you’re a simp (kiss-ass), you become a successful kiss-ass!
20. Treat everyone in Nairobi like they’re mad so you don’t be shocked when you hear stories of a girl who lied that her mom died.
    • Nairobi is small. You’re ever one stranger away from meeting your ex.
21. If you want to know how inconsistent the actions of women are compared to their beliefs, ask the girl you’re eyeing what characteristics her ideal man should have. She will describe a man who’s the opposite of who you are.
    • On that note, no woman on this planet has the blueprint of what a real man is. If it were the case, a lot of us men would be dating or married now. Women’s description of a real man is like a change of seasons.
22. The following people are immune to advice: supporters of the politician from the lakeside, Arsenal and Man United fans, feminists, followers of a bearded prophet and people in love.
23. An average looking girl with a lot of interest from guys is more egotistical and has an uglier personality than a beautiful girl who’s had very limited exposure to boys. Too much male attention corrupts a woman’s personality.
    • To add, don’t over engage a woman on social media; it supplies their favourite drug, attention! She’s laughing at your jokes while moaning at another guy’s strokes. Be the stroker, not the joker.
24. Don’t believe the hype. Or what the media tells you. Wear your mask, sanitize and stay safe!

Tweet from @justChinks /FILE

M.M