Why I Killed Major Marvin
People will think this is hogwash, that the person writing this does not even know what he’s writing. But I’m writing this down anyway, at least for the person who cares enough to read till the end.
For those not up to speed with things (including myself) this is what happened. Major Marvin, one of the bravest soldiers in the fight to restore the boychild to his original position of power and respect was killed in action during one of his missions.
The person responsible for doing it...is me. Arrest me, fine me, put me in your jails for however long you feel like but I killed Major Marvin.
I ended Major Marvin’s one year stay on this planet because I felt like I was doing nothing. My mission initially was to help the boychild not repeat the same mistakes I made in my schooling youth, but in a world where the women were given the utmost priority, my efforts not only were deemed useless, but I got criticised heavily for it.
I was turned into a meme, mostly by people who barely knew me. This was made even worse when I wound up being the subject of comedy after I landed myself in an online dating show...the same time I vowed never to step foot in front of camera again.
I was attacked because of uncovering truths that many people were too scared to call out. As much as I was prepared for something like this, I wasn’t prepared for when my new found identity was to take a huge hit. I was branded a sexist, misogynist etc for calling out the truth that has been kept hidden from us for many years.
Suddenly now, I don’t know who I am anymore...and I’m not kidding this time.
One huge heartbreak from a girl I liked so much but never noticed me last year was added to the several bouts of criticism I grew used to. Yes, I hear the word ‘no’ quite a lot in my head, I’ve lived with relatives...even my own father who always dragged me down with demeaning words whenever I was beginning to make progress at finding myself.
Hearing a compliment especially from someone outside family circles comes as a shock, if I have never told you before.
I tried different ways to numb that latest pain but never worked. They say friends are not genuine 100% and it only took the efforts of one...wouldn’t necessarily call a friend at this point to expose the identity crisis that has been bogging me down.
Suddenly I don’t know who I am. People have told me to find myself but they never revealed where to start.
People tell each other to fix themselves but don’t tell them where to start believing they can find it on their own.
Tafadhali (Please), this is not an excuse. There’s someone here who believes it is so, but this is a genuine cry for help because I don’t know who the fuck I am. This is an identity crisis I’m going through and I’m not sleeping soundly because of it.
Today no one wants to fix a broken human being...everyone is too busy chasing that all important paper and happiness. No one wants to fix a broken man, people want the finished product. If anyone believes that this does not happen in opposite sex relationships, then I have breaking news for you.
Ladies these days don’t want a weak man, they want the ready made product and aren’t interested in the trials and trepidations they have to go through and classify that as ‘negativity’. Ever heard the words ‘I don’t want bad vibes’? It sounds like baggage repairing someone who’s for example lost his sense of identity and the only person that can handle that is a ‘therapist’.
Anyway enough pep talk. Major Marvin was meant to first of all address the relationship issues that were suddenly cropping up. However I eventually saw that they could not be fixed or changed, hence I put a stop to my next project, “How to become the legend”.
Deleting the blog and the Instagram account (that you didn’t know existed) and cutting sharing frequency to all social media platforms was the hardest thing I’ve had to do. I thought that by sharing what I read using my gift of writing would inspire many but as one person told me in my campus days “It’s difficult to impress this crowd (the campus folk)”. The only reason it stood for a year was those compliments from any random person saying “they liked my stuff”, no matter how controversial it was.
It’s not that I quit writing. It’s the idea that I’ve quit experimenting on something because it wasn’t helping as many people as I had hoped, that it was time to leave the boychild to discover himself in his own terms and not to help them until it was really necessary.
I’ll be honest, I have wanted to give up searching for myself. I’ve tried many ways, read many articles and books and found nothing that clicked. The question I’m asking myself right now is ‘How will this help me?’ That aside other questions such as ‘Who am I?’ ‘Why am I here?’ ‘Why am I awake?’
It’s not that I’m lazy. It’s that I have tried severally and failed...and now with the fear that I’ll try and fail, and try and fail...an endless cycle.
Anyway I won’t say too much. You must now be reading this and thinking ‘this guy is faking it’. Call it what you want, but I’m just letting you know what happens on the other side of my social media handles (maybe the rest have different stories). Behind those memes is a guy just screaming silently that ‘I’ve given up’.
Someone will say all this information does not deserve to be shared on social media since ‘they’ll use it against you’ but I don’t care as much. I’m sharing it anyway and there’s nothing that person will do about it.
To whoever that finds this, I ask you not to feel bad. I ask you to help me genuinely discover who I really am because not only have some of my relatives failed to do so (only hitting me with more critics), but I have also put in my head that no one is going to help me do so and I have to do it on my own.
If you don’t feel like, that’s fine. I’ll keep it in mind for future purposes. If you do, you know where to reach me on my following socials:
Twitter and Instagram: @marvin_chege10
WhatsApp: Ask me through my DMs
Major Marvin is dead and I killed him. I have tried finding who I really am, but I’m failing. I need your help (for anyone who cares).
Even the strongest of men have their worst of times and I’m one of those men. If you don’t want to fix negativity or to have anything to do with negativity and brokenness, I’m not the person for you. If you are, I’ll be patient this time.
